POLITICAL-RELIGIOUS-SPIRITUAL- COMMENTARY

The man taking over the presidency of Liberia after Charles Taylor is named General Blah. He has two sons also named Blah.  Some people have a lot of misgiving about the new president.  They think his presidency will just be a lot of Blah, Blah,  Blah. Two women were at an Alcoholic's  Anonymous meeting and the first woman said, " I'm from the state of Texas, What state are you from she asked?" "The state of denial"  answered the second woman.

A: I've heard that some men who have obese women have extra long penis' and that statistics show they are getting longer. B: Why do you think that is? A: Have you ever seen that big ass on some obese women? B: Yeah, of course.  How could I miss it? A: Well, for every ten pounds that an obese women puts on, the statistics show that her man's penis, on the average, grows longer by one quarter inch every ten years. B: Really?  Why’s that? A: You see, it's a Darwinian survival of the species thing.  The bigger the obese woman's ass gets, the longer the man's penis has to be to slide through all that fat and get to the baby making equipment. B: Think so? A: Yay, yes I do. And if those obese women keep eating all that greasy bar- b-que, and all that fast food crap, in a hundred years, those guys and their children on the average, are gonna have cocks that are two feet long. B: Lordy lord.  I'm gonna invest my money in the condom business.

Two seniors were talking and one said to the other, “I know that I’m getting old. “   The second said, “how do you know that?” He answered “I just had the speedometer taken off of my wheelchair.” A really old guy went to the drugstore and asked the clerk, “do you have any oil?” The clerk said, “Is it for your car, or for your joints?”

Did you hear that Al Qaida has trained a squadron of terrorist pigeons? No, really?!!   They are trained to fly up in front of airliners that are just taking off.  But the security police are shooting them down before they can destroy the airplanes.   His friend says, “ how can the security people identify which pigeons are the terrorists?”   The first guy answered, “the terrorist pigeons  have little white turbans on  their heads and a tiny gold chain around their necks with a Koran hung on it.

President George W. bush is one of the few people in Washington who spells the word “dumb” without the letter “b” at the end. But his secretary has gotten familiar with his use of the word “bom,” and just types in the letter “b.”

A  Hispanic man was hauled off an airplane the other day, and was accused of being a terrorist. Why was that? He was singing La Bomba in the bathroom.room.

Do you know what are God’s most frequently used words? What? “Eh!  Eh!  What’s that again. Can't hear you." What does God say most of the time? What? “I don’t know you”

Jack LaLanne, the 90 year old fitness professional pulled a boat across the San  Francisco Bay with a rope in his teeth. But he had a trick. What was that? The boat had wheels.

My mother  used to say, “don’t let all those women get you down.”  Or was it “get down with all those women?” President Bush is convinced that we will find Saddam’s  weapons of mass destruction, but I  heard he can’t even find his shoes in the morning.  Do you think that’s  a sign of something? My friend’s friend said her friend has oral sex with her dog.   But she insists that his bark is worse than his bite.

There is one anti-Semitic remark that really gets many Jews pissed off.   What they really can’t stand hearing. What's that? That they are just the same as everyone else.

You know both Jews and Christians are both waiting for the Messiah. Wouldn’t it be something if the one who returns for the Jews is an uncircumcised  goy, and the one who returns for the Christians is a circumcised Orthodox Rabbi who won‘t eat pork and celebrates the Sabbath from Friday evening to Saturday evening, and wears a little hat with the Star of David  embroidered on it.

When they found the body, it was wrapped in a long white shroud that had the impression of Jesus’ body on it.  But that’s not the strangest thing.   What the scientist can’t figure out is how, etched into the fabric are the words “Drink Coke a Cola” and  “buy Enron.”

St. Paul, formerly named Saul  a famous  persecutor of the early Christians, had a transforming experience on the road to Damascus.  He changed his point of view and has come to illustrate someone who began to love what he hated, and hated what he had loved.

I heard the Christian Messiah has returned to earth to judge the living and the dead, but most  have rejected him. That’s horrible  Why did they do that? Because he’s black, has a long nose, is circumcised, talks with his hands and has a New York accent.   And what is worse yet is that He insists that lox, bagels and chicken soup are  holy  foods, and that the Sabbath  is on Saturday and not Sunday.

Don't look backwards...that is why God put our heads on looking forward...lol...... That is ridiculous. OK it's a joke, maybe, but if that's true, why do we have a neck and spine that twists?

I went to heaven once, and went inside.  Nobody was there, it was completely empty.  In the distance, I saw a huge chair and as I approached it got bigger and bigger. When I got there, I saw a sign resting on the seat.  It read, "on vacation, whereabouts unknown." This is not a joke.

Getting old is bad.  This 90 year old friend cut her finger. That’s bad. But what is worse is when you are old is when you cut your finger and nothing comes out.   That’s really bad.

There were four men in a row who were all wounded veterans who had returned from Iraq and I went to ask them some questions. The first man had lost one arm and I asked him how he felt about his disability.  So he said that he was thankful to god and it was a miracle  that he had only lost one arm and that you could still live a useful life. The second man had lost two arms and said he was thankful to god for the miracle that he had only lost both arms and that he could still live a useful life. The third man had lost both arms and one leg, and said he was thankful to god for the miracle that he was still alive and that he still could enjoy his life and was happy to be alive. The fourth man had no arms and no legs and sat in a basket looking glum and unhappy.  When I asked him about his injuries and how he felt about it, he looked up at me and said if I ever see Jesus or god, I’ll bite his nuts off and spit in his eye.

GOD AND THE RIB BONE You remember, back in the Bible, when God told Adam he was going to make him a women out of his rib? Why he had to use a rib, it doesn’t say, but you  know that taking out a rib is major surgery.  He could have used a finger nail or a tooth, you know, something that doesn’t leave a scar....., but… Anyway, Adam is all bent over in pain and using a stick as a cane and moaning from the operation, and he says to God;   “God, thank you for the woman, she’s very nice, and everything works, but taking out my rib really hurts bad.” God, trying to comfort Adam, said, “Adam, if you think that hurts, wait until the divorce“.... “And if that’s not bad enough” God said, “wait until she hires a lawyer and sues you for half of the Garden of Eden.”..... “and then you’ll have to walk for three days just to visit the boys “..... “Now that’s going to really hurt.” Adam said, “don’t think I’m  ungrateful Lord, but she doesn’t have much meat on her bone, and when I say I’ve got a boner, she always wants to make soup...  And her body isn’t very attractive.”   “She looks like she was born in a butcher shop, and she ain’t even got enough butt to keep that fig leaf from fallin’ down.”